In this episode:
- What casual dating really looks like (and what it’s not)
- How to talk about your dating intentions without sounding cold or confusing
- Why emotional detachment is crucial—and where most people go wrong
- How to handle sex, boundaries, and communication in casual dynamics
- What to do when you’re dating for a relationship but meet someone who’s not
Whether you’re in your casual dating era or done with the ambiguity and looking for something real, this episode will help you date with intention, not confusion.
Partners
Get an extended free trial of Dipsea!
Get a discount on your Galatea membership!
Mint Mobile: Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans!
Transcript
Talia Koren (00:02.158)
Maybe you want to date, but you’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you are ready for a relationship, but keep running to people who aren’t. Both situations are frustrating for various reasons. And today we’re going to talk about all things casual dating, how to do it properly and why it’s harder to navigate than dating for a relationship and what to do when you encounter casual daters in your journey when you are looking for a relationship. Ugh, why is it so hard?
Talia Koren (00:53.198)
Maybe you want to date, but you’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you are ready for a relationship, but keep running into people who aren’t. Both situations are frustrating for various reasons. And today we’re going to talk about all things casual dating, how to do it properly, why it’s harder to navigate than dating for a relationship and what to do when you run into people who aren’t ready for anything serious in your journey.
Welcome back to Dating Intentionally. I’m Talia. sharing no-nonsense advice for navigating dating and relationships with confidence and ease. Whether you’ve been dating for a while or you are just getting started, I believe dating can be fun. Casual dating can be fun too. And I know you might be wondering, why are we talking about casual dating on a show called Dating Intentionally? Well, here’s the thing. Yes, I… Here’s the thing. Well, well…
Yes, I started this podcast to help people bypass the BS and get into a healthy long-term relationship that lasts. I’m not here to define your intention for you. You can absolutely date with intention if your intention is to explore and keep things casual for now. And I’m here to help you keep your actions aligned with what you want, no matter what you want, you know?
Talia Koren (02:08.109)
So in this episode, we’re taking a closer look at casual dating or dating when you’re not looking for a relationship on both sides, meaning how to do it when you are in that boat right now and what to do when someone tells you they are not dating for a relationship, even if they’re showing up like someone who is. It’s confusing, I know. My main headline message with this episode though is there is nothing wrong with casual dating as long as you are upfront about what you’re going for and not leading people on.
And I know you might be thinking, wow, I need to send this episode to the person who is not upfront with me and led me on, because there are a lot of people out there who don’t follow this rule. In trying to not catch feelings, your feelings will still get hurt with casual dating. And I want to get into some of these challenges if you’re considering getting into a casual situation or pursuing casual dating and tips for how to go about it.
Talia Koren (03:05.077)
And again, we will at the end towards the end of the episode, we will get into what to do when you encounter casual daters when you are very not casual and looking for something serious like yesterday.
Talia Koren (03:24.856)
real quick before we get into it. just want to remind you that you could watch all these episodes on YouTube and more. There’s more than just podcast episodes over there. You can find my channel in the show notes and you can also connect with me on Instagram at dating.intentionally. love connecting with you. I love hearing from you. Slide into my DMs anytime. Okay, so if you are not dating for long term, like if you just got out of a relationship, if you
are still figuring out your dating goals. If you are just, you don’t have the bandwidth, you don’t have enough to give to someone, but you still want to enjoy dating, you can. And just a refresher on my journey, like when I started dating after my big breakup, I was dating casually for months, meaning I was not ready for a serious relationship. I didn’t want one. And I was dating for the sole purpose of exploration, of learning, experimentation.
and creating emotional distance between me and my breakup.
Talia Koren (04:28.526)
So here are some things to expect when you date casually and also how to do it. One, when you’re dating casually, like you’re not trying to get into a relationship, you’re not going to date people for very long. Like you’re not gonna see them very frequently either. You’re probably gonna end up going on between like one and five days with people before calling it off because any more than that, you are probably gonna catch feelings.
it’s gonna feel more serious. mean, getting past the third date is hard for people who are looking for a relationship. So you’re gonna stay in that early dating land for the most part, and you’re not really gonna end up getting very far into your connections. Or maybe you will see someone for months and months, but it will be very infrequent, like only when they’re passing through town or like just once a month when there’s a free night, something like that.
So just that’s what to expect when you’re casually dating. You’re not dating people on and on and on. You’re kind of just hopping around and that’s okay. You can date like that. It is totally fine. As long as you tell them you are not looking for a relationship. And another tip, you can casually date without hooking up. Casual dating does not automatically mean casual sex. You can just go to dinner, go bowling, go to mini golf, go to the bar, go get dessert, whatever it is.
with people without it turning into a relationship and without it leading to sex. So you can just enjoy the experience of dating without it going anywhere. Even if you’re dating for a relationship, you kind of do that all the time if you’re not really getting past the third date. So again, you are kind of just doing that intentionally. So when I say be upfront about your situation, this is what I mean. You can say something like, I’m not looking for a relationship.
because I just got out of one. That’s what I used to say to people. And lots of guys were open to meeting for just for fun, which, you know, obviously not surprising. In my experience and a lot of experience of women out there dating, there are more men looking for casual, it feels like, than serious relationships. And it’s kind of frustrating if you’re looking for relationship. But if you’re dating casually, it’s pretty easy to find someone to just go on a fun date with.
Talia Koren (06:54.478)
So yes, you just have to say, you can bring up the conversation in the same way that you’d always bring it up by asking them what they’re looking for in dating right now. And then you can say, I’m just looking to meet new people, make connections and have fun. I’m not looking for a relationship right now. And that’s it. That’s all you have to say. That’s being upfront. And there are people who you might meet who don’t want to keep seeing you because your intentions don’t align and that’s okay. That’s totally all right.
Talia Koren (07:26.784)
Another tip for dating casually is to work on emotional detachment. When you’re dating casually, the second you catch feelings, things will get messy. You know, that’s when you will go to situationship mode where what you’re doing and what you want don’t align, right? What you’re, you’re, you are kind of going through the motions of getting into a relationship when you said you do not want one. And that is going to get you into a situationship, which you don’t want. I mean, I don’t think you want it. Maybe you do.
So the question is, can you go into a date, have a good conversation, and have a good time without getting emotionally attached? I would say, thinking about proof from your own dating experience, this probably happens quite often where you do go on a date, don’t feel an emotional connection, and you just don’t end up seeing them again. That’s kind of, again, what you’re doing, but intentionally because you’re dating casually. You’re not trying to create this crazy emotional connection. And I will say,
When you’re casually dating, can, of course, have fun, deep connections with people, but you have to go into it mentally knowing that that connection isn’t necessarily gonna carry through to a relationship. And that doesn’t mean that it’s less valuable. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a short amount of time. And that’s okay, that’s part of dating. And I think that’s part of what makes it fun.
Talia Koren (08:55.596)
Another tip is that people will try to hook up with you, right? If you are casually dating, there will be people who think that is what you’re doing and you can stick to your boundaries, you set boundaries, you just don’t have to sleep with people if you don’t want to. Of course, if you do choose to hook up, talk about safe sex, have the SDI conversation, and if the idea of…
Talia Koren (09:20.034)
And if you’re not feeling comfortable enough to talk about sex with someone, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them. That is, I think, the rule to go by. So if you’re not comfortable bringing up sex, safe sex, STIs, all those things, then you probably are not ready to have sex with them. End of story. You also have to check in with yourself and ask yourself if they feel be okay if sex with this person will be, sorry.
You also have to check in with yourself and ask yourself if you’d be okay knowing that this hookup might be a one-off thing, right? You’re not gonna necessarily have the…
Talia Koren (10:12.558)
Then have to ask yourself if you’d be okay with just having sex with that person one time, right? If it’s a one-time hookup, would you be okay with that emotionally and mentally? If not, then you can choose again, not to sleep with them. That’s fine.
Talia Koren (10:41.57)
And my last tip is again, to let people go when they want something more serious and you don’t. If you are dating intentionally, you’ve got to be accountable and upfront about these things. So don’t hang on to people because you like their attention if they clearly want something serious and you know you’re not ready for that. There are already so many daters out there doing that and it’s so annoying. You can date casually and not do that bullshit to people.
Talia Koren (11:11.288)
I think one of the biggest benefits of casual dating is that you can work on your dating skills in a very low pressure way. That’s at least what I got out of it when I was first dating after my long relationship. Like I hadn’t been in the dating pool for six years and I was barely single before I met my ex. Like I went from relationship to relationship. I didn’t have any experience dating as a fully fledged adult with a fully developed brain, you know, like.
So I think for me, casual dating was just such a nice, easy way to…
to get comfortable with making connections with going on dates and figuring that all out without putting pressure to find someone to get into a relationship with. It made it a lot easier. And again, as a woman, it was a lot easier to find dates. Now that it was hard when I was looking for a relationship, I found plenty of guys who were also looking for a relationship, but it was a little more loosey goosey. I was just like, okay, I’m gonna just kind of roll up to this date, see how it goes, even though we exchanged two messages on Tinder, right?
So again, I think there are benefits to casual dating. There is a right way to do it where you are not inflicting pain on other people. You’re not leaving people on or being confusing by being upfront and honest about what you’re looking for and knowing when to walk away before you catch feelings.
So this question comes up.
Talia Koren (13:00.238)
So you might be wondering what happens if you meet someone you really like when you’re casually dating, right? You do end up hitting it off, finding someone who aligns with what you would want if you were looking for a relationship. What then? Here’s my take. I say go for it, okay? Even if you decided this was your casual dating era, you’re allowed to explore connection further if you actually like them and the feeling is mutual and they want to explore too. Don’t chase anyone, it has to be reciprocal.
If you end up meeting someone in your casual dating journey, who again, likes you and there’s mutual interest, you’re aligned and you’re like, man, I actually feel safe with this person and I wanna explore the connection, you can just hit pause on casual dating and let this one play out, see what happens. It might turn into a relationship, it might not, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to…
deprive yourself of a good connection if you feel like you meet someone and you’re ready to go to that level. Of course, if you meet someone who you align with, but you just know you don’t have the emotional space for relationship, then you have to, you you cut them loose. And that’s where I was for most of my, for half of my dating journey where I did meet a lot of great guys who I aligned with and could have had a relationship with, but I knew
that I wasn’t ready to show up as a partner. I knew I wasn’t healed. I knew I didn’t have the space in my life to do that. So that’s why I didn’t end up pursuing those connections. So again, you get to decide. don’t think it’s like you have, no one’s like gonna come after you if you said you’re casually dating and then you end up getting into a relationship. That’s okay, it’s your life.
Talia Koren (14:52.078)
I’d love to hear your take on this. You can shoot me a message on Instagram at dating.intentionally or drop a comment if you’re watching on Spotify. I always do that.
I would love to hear your take on this. Do you agree, disagree? What am I missing here? Let me know. You can slide into my DMs on Instagram at dating.intentionally or drop a comment on Spotify or YouTube if you’re watching there. All right, let’s take a quick break.
Welcome back. So here is why casual relationships and casual dating is harder than dating for a relationship. On paper, casual relationships might sound easy, right? And I’m not talking about situationships. A casual relationship is when two people mutually agree that their relationship is casual and it’s not going to turn into something more in depth, more intimate. You know what I mean? Like it’s…
You’re mutually agreeing that you are friends with benefits. You are casual. You’re not gonna be boyfriend, girlfriend. So this might sound easy. You know, it’s low stakes. It’s a low pressure. You meet someone. You’re both on the same page about not wanting anything serious. Maybe you set like a loose agreement, like hanging out once a week, hooking up, keeping it light. But in practice, it is rarely that simple. The truth is, when you don’t define, sorry, have to go back.
Talia Koren (16:15.98)
Welcome back. So we talked about, you know, what dating intentionally looks like when you are looking for something casual and tips on how to do that successfully without confusing people or leading them on. But I want to talk a little bit about casual relationships, meaning when you mutually decide with someone that you’re going to have more of a friends with benefits situation or just kind of a relationship that’s romantic or sexual, it does not lead.
to using titles like boyfriend, girlfriend. You’re just kind of casually seeing each other. It’s not turning into more. And I wanna talk about why this is more challenging because on paper, casual sounds easy, right? Low stakes, low pressure. Maybe you set some loose agreement like hanging out once a week or and hooking up and keeping it light. But in practice, it is rarely that simple.
Talia Koren (17:15.746)
The truth is when you don’t define the relationship, it becomes hard to know how to act. Without emotional commitment or structure, it’s kind of confusing. Like you don’t know how much to share, how much to ask for, or how much you can ask for. You where is that line between casual and more emotionally involved? Let’s say, you you want more communication between hangouts. Like, can you even ask for that? Or does that not make it casual anymore?
Maybe you start overthinking, you know, should you say something? Should you hold it in? That confusion is why casual gets complicated.
Talia Koren (18:03.234)
And what ends up happening in a lot of cases, again, I’m curious if this has happened to you and it was happened to me, is you end up kind of performing. You’re playing it cool. You’re acting more detached than you are because you do want to feel desired. You do want to feel like they’re looking forward to seeing you and like you have something more, but you’re not sure, you don’t feel comfortable saying that because you’ve agreed to keep it casual.
Talia Koren (18:37.784)
you’re also more likely to get dropped by the other person when it becomes inconvenient or you’ll drop them because there’s no accountability, there’s no framework, there’s no responsibility to each other and technically.
Talia Koren (18:51.692)
There’s no accountability, there’s no framework, there’s no responsibility to each other. You don’t owe each other anything.
But then again, if you’re having sex, that does require some level of presence, energy and vulnerability. It’s just a really tricky balance to navigate. And I think that’s why it’s harder than just dating to get into a relationship. Because dating to get into a relationship, there is like a clear path forward. You are moving together towards a point. You’re like developing this relationship to get somewhere together. And that could be whatever it is for you.
Talia Koren (19:34.008)
But when you carry on with someone on a casual basis and you keep seeing them but the emotional connection isn’t there, you’re also gonna start to feel a little empty.
Talia Koren (19:46.818)
And note, you could also run into certain imbalances, like one of you is putting in more effort than the other, one of you is being put on a pedestal. Like, it just gets confusing and draining, and you might even ask yourself, like, why am I putting energy into this?
Talia Koren (20:04.044)
I think some casual relationships can work if both people are extremely intentional and can talk about boundaries and like just all the kind of, you’re kind of coming up with your own guidelines and rules at that point because it’s like the wild west. Like there’s no clear framework for this. Not that like, again, when you’re getting into a relationship, you also have to get on the same page about what that looks like. But I think with casual, it’s like even more ambiguous.
So again, that’s kind of the, I’m just sharing like why I think casual relationships are harder. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue that if that’s what you want. I think it can work for some people, but it’s like not necessarily a way to avoid pain of becoming intimate with someone on many levels.
Talia Koren (20:57.89)
Because I think sometimes dating is so hard, we might be like, well, you know what, maybe I just find someone to have sex with and forget the getting into a relationship aspect. That sounds so much easier, but it’s it’s not. So I think that’s why I’m sharing this because I don’t want you to fall into this trap of pursuing something less than what you want and deserve.
Talia Koren (21:22.924)
So, okay, switching gears here. Let’s just say you’re the person who is dating for a relationship. You know that, you’ve been doing it for a while, but you keep running into people who are dating casually and clearly have not listened to this podcast because they are either just confused themselves about what they want or they were not upfront about what they want and you are left so frustrated that you just wanna give up on dating altogether. So what do you do? And the simple short answer is,
Even if you like them, even if you have a strong connection, even if it’s the best sex of your life, you walk away. Okay? If you find out that they are not looking for something serious and you are, you have to walk away because you will get into a situationship. And I have a few episodes on that, but that is the beginning. That’s the situationship seed, okay? Is when someone wants casual, the other person wants serious and they keep dating.
To avoid that, the second you find out that you are not aligned in your attention, you have to end it, which is really sad. It’s really hard, especially when you have a really great connection. And that’s unfortunately usually how it goes, right? Like you aren’t gonna care as much if your connection is not great. So yeah, it’s usually pretty painful. The tricky part though is when they show up as a partner, but say they don’t want a relationship. And it’s so annoying that people do this. And I just…
I wish there was a way for me to tell you like how to spot this earlier. mean, my only tips are to have the dating intention conversation on the first date, right? Talk about what you’re looking for in dating really early and then see if their actions match their words. Now, of course, you will run into people who only know how to show up as a partner. They only know how to be a boyfriend, how to be a girlfriend. So they automatically treat you that way. And it’s confusing as hell. I had this happen to me so many times and
That’s why again, you can’t just have that conversation about dating intentions one time. You have to kind of keep having that conversation and keep checking in because otherwise it’s just gonna be a mess.
Talia Koren (23:35.126)
I really don’t want you to stay with people who are dating for casual when you are not because they’re going to get the benefit of a relationship without committing to one. And I don’t want that for you.
If you’re casually dating or not dating for a relationship, there is a way to do it intentionally. Casual dating isn’t automatically bad. It’s not a mistake, but it does require you to be really honest with yourself and the people you’re dating. You need to know your own capacity, your own boundaries and your intentions, and you need to check in with yourself regularly to make sure you’re still aligned with what you said you wanted because it’s easy to slip into something deeper without meaning to.
And if you do catch feelings, it doesn’t mean you messed up, okay? Your job here isn’t to avoid emotion necessarily, it’s to handle it with maturity and self-respect. So here are a few reflection questions I have for you if you are thinking about dating casually. And that is, am I dating casually because it’s what I want or is it because I’m afraid of what a real relationship might bring up? How do I?
Talia Koren (24:59.886)
I know, okay, here’s another one. What would make casual feel good for me and is that even realistic, right? This is if you know you’re not ready for a relationship. So think about how can you make casual dating feel good? What would that look like for you? And finally, can I clearly communicate my needs and boundaries in a casual dynamic? So that is something you’ll have to work on if you’re not used to it, but I still think having casual.
having a casual dating experience is a great way to practice communicating your needs and boundaries. It’s so, so low stakes.
Talia Koren (25:44.514)
I really don’t think dating with intention means that every date has to lead to a relationship. It means that your actions line up with your values and what you want. That’s it. So if you’re not looking for anything serious, but you want to explore connection, have fun, stay grounded.
So if you’re not looking for anything serious, but you want to explore connection, have fun, and stay grounded, great, you are still dating intentionally. Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking that casual means you’re not gonna feel pain and that it’s safer. It’s just a different kind of vulnerable, and it’s okay to decide that it’s not for you.
Talia Koren (26:26.178)
And if you’re the person who’s running into casual daters, you’re not doing anything wrong, there’s really no way to like spot them before you’re in it. You just need to make sure that you are stating what you want upfront and very clearly and walking away when you realize that they’re not looking for that.
because you deserve what you’re looking for.
Talia Koren (26:53.464)
All right, that’s all I have for you today. I wanna thank you for listening. Thanks for trusting me and don’t forget you’re doing great. If you know someone who is navigating dating and could use a confidence boost or a fresh perspective, you can share this episode with them. And if this podcast has helped you in your dating journey, you can help other daters find the show by leaving a five star review on Apple or Spotify. Once again, I’m Talia. This has been Dating Intentionally and I’ll see you next time.
